Search Terms Make Me Laugh

This is basically the first blog I’ve ever had.  I know I am late to the party, but it was something that I wanted to try and I if I’m in the mood it can be a lot of fun.  One thing I wasn’t prepared for, however, was how addictive it is watching your blogs stats.  Worpress (this blog is a wordpress blog, everyone) has some cool analytics software built in to the back end so you can see how many people came to your site, where they came from, what they clicked on, etc.  Most of my traffic comes directly from Facebook when I post links there, but there are a handful of views each day come from somebody doing a simple google search. Of all the data WordPress gives you, my favorite by far is knowing what search terms somehow landed people here.

I’d like to share some with you.

So this seems like a pretty standard day.  “Sex for Singing” is a little odd, but it makes sense that they would end up here, it has 2 of the 3 title words.  I mostly wonder why it has 4 independent views? did 4 different people google this? if it was just one person, why did they click on my blog 4 times?  You’d think after the first time they would figure out that I’m (probably) not going to hook-up with them no matter how well they sing.

This one is pretty standard. What I realized when I began looking through these is that there are people on the internet that just google Taylor Lautner all day long.  At least this day I also came up in a search including NYC.

Oh Goodness.  I know that “sex” is in the title of the page, but “Hot rough sex” you have come to the wrong place, sorry.
can anyone make sense of “football players downs their short pants”?  at least my friends Jerzy Jung and Christiano Ronaldo made it.

The weird things here are A) the search for “Taylor Laughter” – that made me crack-up.  and B) that I have never in my life blogged about Alan Valdez.  I didn’t even know that was.  just to make sure I wasn’t missing out on anything I googled him myself. … yowza.  I should do a blog or four about this guy:

Mike Fink…. Yes I wrote about my secret crush on a tall tale. I wonder why was he all the rage suddenly on November 2? Meanwhile, Lautner stays in the race.

Seriously, who googles this?  And it was even on 10-10-10.  You should have been out celebrating dude, that only happens once every millenium.  Even the Taylor Lautner people too the day off.

And lastly, today, which seems pretty average up until this one desperate persons cry help (?) at the bottom there.  Luckily I have also blogged about It Gets Better.  Watch a few and know that people out there care.

Anyway.  In general I’m disappointed in what drives people to this blog.  I guess I’m not posting enough intellectual material?  if you’ve got a topic suggestion (about comedy, music, sex or seriously whatever) leave me note and I’ll see if we can make this place more than a stop over for horny Twilight fans.  AND, Thanks very much for being part of my first blog journey, be sure to subscribe if that’s something you do.  Peace out. :)

Tall Fails

A little while ago I was at a diner party where people began swapping stories about their very first sexual thoughts.  As always it was kind of weird and fun to hear people think back to early (or mid or late)  middle school when they were definitely feeling some urges, but had no idea what was going on. I’ve had these sorts of conversations quite a lot because they are very closely tied in with “when you first knew you were gay” stories which comes up from time to time.

I have one friend at this party who claims that he knew he was gay from a very early age, somewhere around the age of 6. How could you ever know that you were gay from the age of 6? (At 6 you don’t even know what sex is, right?)  My experience was one with a series of odd infatuations which looking back can be viewed as the seeds of homosexuality.

I think my first objects of lust it was probably workout magazines in the checkout aisle .  I remember being at the grocery store with my aunt after she had picked me up from school and struggling to explaining that the guy on the cover of a workout magazine was really cool- I couldn’t place why, but I thought he was just great. Who knows what she thought was going on, but she told me that although it’s probably very nice to be that strong she wouldn’t want to give up the flexibility that you lost from being so bulky.  I think I agreed vocally, but internally had decided she was nuts. Mr. Muscle and Fitness was A-OK by me.

Far weirder than magazine covers was an obsession I developed in school. At some point in my early early adolescence I had a history class in which we studied tall tales.  I have always like tall tales.   I love story telling and I love oral traditions so I being in class hearing about Paul Bunyan or Pecos bill was a fun time.  But I was not prepared to get all hot and bothered by the stories about a particular tall tale: Mike Fink.

For those that do not know him: Mike Fink was a Keelboat man.  Way back when American wild was still being conquered keelboats become the chief vessels of commerce on the Ohio and Mississippi rivers. The men who worked the keelboats were stereotypically strong because they had to push the boats against the current.

Of all of the keelboat men, Mike Fink was supposedly the strongest, most masculine, most crazed SOB in the west. In one of his many literary appearances he announces: “I’m a he-bull and a he-rattlesnake and a he-alligator all in one! I’ve beat up so many flatboatmen and thrown them in the river I haven’t kept a count since the food, and I’m a lover of the women like you’ll never see again. I can outrun, outhop, outjump, throw down, drag out, and lick any man in the country!”

I remember sitting in class and hearing the teach read:

Mike’s weight was about one hundred and eighty pounds; height about five feet nine inches; pleasant features, brown skin, tanned by sun and rain; blue, but very expressive eyes; and square brawny form, well proportioned, and every muscle of the arms, thighs and legs, were fully developed, indicating the greatest strength and activity. When he doubled up his fists the muscles rippled up and down his arms as slow as molasses. His person, taken altogether, was a model for a Hercules.

Guh! What was happening inside my 12 year old self! Good grief. Here in class even! this was the best story time ever.

Then it only got worse.  Turns out Mike meets companions on his journeys: one named Carpenter and the other Talbot.  All three of them were keelboat men and met on the river competing to see who was the toughest and buffest.  So my teacher just continues reading about how after Mike met Carpenter and they were traveling Talbot  jumped down from a tree and flexed so that his “muscles bunched up like thunder clouds.”  My teacher keeps reading about how they wrestled on the river’s shore. My teach just keeps reading oblivious to the fact that I am experiencing a very un-formed gang-bang fantasy at the age of twelve.

I recently spent a long time shifting through Mike Fink articles and texts on trying to re-find some of the specific sections and quotes that I remember (in preparation for this post, of course.)  I’ve come across scattered descriptions that that a little sexual in nature.  I actually began reading one out loud to the boy one night until he interrupted me to ask if i was reading him erotica.

And to be honest it’s all very erotic.  He’s a masculine braggart in situations are unreal, larger than life and designed to entertain.  It’s just odd that with no social programming to be attracted to these stories I was, invariably, smitten with them. The older I’ve gotten I keep coming back to one truth: sometimes sex makes no sense at all.

But perhaps a better discovery than that is Mike Fink’s Myspace page.  He’s a single Gemini. Perhaps I have a chance.

Bad Movies With Hot People

One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen may be The Covenant.  I remember going to the movie theater (yeah, saw that one on the big scree) with my college roommate Jan to watch it. It is straight up ridiculous, BUT most people I know have seen it because the cast is so attractive. showing here:

The truth is even if it is a bad story with bad lines and really awkward acting I may actually pay to see it if the cast is super cute.  Coincidentally, the time I watched the Covenant with Jan I also paid to be the only two people in a movie theater (I was actually on the phone with another friend for part of it).

Flash forward to John Tucker Must Die.  This one I at least wised up and RENTED. I guess the allure of Jesse Metcalfe was too much to pass up. Here he is with a sassy cheerleader:

In the NYC Fringe show that I’m in there is a line about beauty fooling people. “we fall for it and die for it all the time.”  I Do Not want to be someone who gets duped by a pretty cast. This is the major reason why I have not yet watched the newest Twilight movie.  If I was to watch it I would only be seeing it because Taylor Lautner is actually pretty stacked and, damn it,  the boy is hot.  So I don’t see it.  I’ll try to watch things that I think are engaging and worthwhile and leave the drooling for the checkout magazine covers….. and this blog.

And more Sex…

attractive model-guy Samie Eskelin

Attractive model-guy Samie Eskelin

So last night The Boy and I went to a friend’s birthday drinks in a bar on 10th avenue called Bartini. I may have never been anywhere before that had such a high ratio of crazy attractive people. Well,  men.  Everywhere you looked it was pecs and jaw lines and basically guys that look like our friend Samie here.  What a strange, incredible, exhausting culture I live in. More guys like Samie at Queerty.com.

This Play is Pretty

Last night at the Samuel French Off Off Broadway festival there was a short play called Pigskin by  playwright  Gabriel Dean.   Pretty much everyone working the  festival was looking forward to this because this was the play that featured a gorgeous football player monologuing  in various stages of undress (see postcard above).

The short play was great, with beautiful language and a somewhat gruesome story. And as the boy walked out with a football covering his junk, I thought to myself: send this to Broadway. Soon.

In all seriousness, the boy was stacked and so handsome. His looks coupled that with some really well crafted storytelling deservedly hold the room captive.  The writing itself is fantastic..

If you’d like to see this play yourself (and other contenders in the competition) you should hop by and see the best of the best this Sunday @ 1pm at the finals. Just come direct from brunch. :)  Info below…. and check out http://oob.samuelfrench.com/.

Samuel French OOB Finals – Sunday July 18 @ 1pm
Theatre Row, 42nd Street between 9th & 10th Ave

 

…and Sex

Fitness model Luke Guldan

Fitness model Luke Guldan

This year I am actually paying for a gym membership in hopes of putting on some weight and looking good.  And then there are people like Luke Guldan. This guy is so stacked…it’s stupid, really. He may act or dance or something. Whatever he does, I’m sure it entertains.